Friends, not projects
by Miranda Laughlin
“Miranda, put that mower away and go take care of your kids! I’ll mow your lawn for you. I’ve got the tractor, I’ll finish it in no time!”
What just happened? Did my 70-year-old neighbor, Carla, just tell me to stop mowing my lawn? I had spent the previous hour pushing a dying, electric lawn mower across our lawn. We had only had a few short conversations previous to this, so Carla’s offer was a surprise.
Fifteen minutes later, Carla was on her tractor cutting our grass. The boys ran out to watch. She let them sit on the tractor and we chatted. And that was that. Ever since then, we’ve enjoyed Carla as a family friend.
Our friendship continued during quarantine. We hadn’t seen Carla much, but she came out when my husband, Derek, was listening to classical music while repairing the fence between our properties. She sat on her front porch, adjacent to the fence and shared with Derek of her love of Vivaldi and the Boston Pops. We spent a lovely afternoon getting to know Carla more and enjoying the music together. And Vivaldi has become a regular on our playlists thanks to Carla.
As I hauled a bucket of water from the basement, our neighbor, Peter, knocked on the back door. We hadn’t had power in 3 days. Our boiler was leaking so we took turns bailing water. Our family was sleeping by the fireplace every night and heating water in the fire to bathe and do dishes. Derek and I were both exhausted and “pioneering” had lost its luster. We hadn’t even thought to ask for help since the whole town was without power.
Peter asked, “Are you guys staying here without power?”
I responded with pride saying “Yeah, we’re doing okay …”
Peter interjected, “We have a generator, heat and hot water and a mother-in-law suite above the garage! Why don’t you guys come stay with us?”
My pride wanted to say “Oh no, I don’t want to impose…” But my humbled, exhausted self said, “Yes please! What time can we come?!” I was asleep in their guest bed by 7pm. That evening was the Academy Awards and Derek stayed up watching the Oscars and chatting with Peter and his wife. We’ve been good friends since then. Peter stops by at least once a week just to hang out and talk. He loves food and so do we so if we make something good we bring a portion to one another. He told us two years ago he thinks we’re crazy that we believe in Jesus. But we still talk about deep life things together. We exchange gifts at Christmas, have spent a Thanksgiving with them and have enjoyed many summer afternoons together swimming in their pool. Peter and his wife have become dear friends and we really enjoy their friendship.
I share these stories because loving my neighbor looks much different than the hospitality and service I believed made me a “loving neighbor.” Two ways I propose we “love our neighbors” for the sake of relational evangelism:
1) Enjoy friendships with your neighbors
2) Have a humble posture
Enjoy friendships with your neighbors
God has been so kind to give us sweet friendships with our neighbors. Our first few years in our house, I knew a lot ABOUT our neighbors. I viewed my efforts to get to know them as a project. Rather than intentionally pursuing relationships with my neighbors, I was task-oriented.
Over time, we now KNOW our neighbors. We’ve realized that we have needed our neighbors more than they’ve needed us. Shared time with our neighbors has bloomed into a sweet affection for them as friends.
We enjoy their company. Rather than creating a strategy for evangelism, we ask them as friends to join us. We go for walks together and share drinks on our porch. We share interests, hobbies, meals, activities and affection for each other. And this affection stirs in us a deeper desire for them to know Christ. We enjoy time with our neighbors and non-Christian friends as much as we enjoy time with our church family.
Have a humble posture
You may be asking, but how do I even become friends with my neighbors? I have lived in the same neighborhood for years and don’t know their names!
We’ve found that our neighbors were eager to help us whether that is mowing our lawn or sharing their home in a blizzard. We’ve found we are able to build relationships when we extend our need first, rather than imposing our service.
In the U.S., we pride ourselves with independence, success, possessions and getting along without help. We’d rather hire someone, write a text or an email, “google it” or reach out to someone who likes us when we need help. But if we look at the Bible, Jesus opposes pride and blesses humility. So trusting in the “upsidedownness” of the Gospel, we’ve set out to be “intentionally needy” for the sake of building relationships with our neighbors.
Here are some examples lately:
Rather than renting a truck to pick up some furniture, Derek called up our neighbor and asked to borrow his. This neighbor offered to drive and he and Derek had a great conversation during the ride.
Rather than hiring a babysitter when I had an appointment, I asked my neighbor if she could sit outside with the boys while they played for an hour. She was delighted and ended up teaching them how to play crazy eights. Now anytime she sees us outside, she walks over just to hang out.
Rather than buying a chain saw, Derek asked our neighbor who has every tool imaginable if he could borrow his. They’ve had several hang outs on the back porch since then.
When our boys signed up for little league, we didn’t know what supplies we needed. Rather than emailing the admin for a list, we walked down the street and asked our neighbor who is on the board for little league. We’ve had several good conversations with him since then and he came to find us on opening day.
We COULD buy a weed wacker, but if we ask our neighbor to borrow theirs, it’s a connection point. We COULD just google “best Italian meatball recipe” or we could ask our neighbor who is an amazing cook for her tips. Let’s be creative, be thoughtful about our neighbors as people and extend our needs.
As Christians, we should be spending regular time with people who don’t know the Lord, or we need to be praying for more opportunities to do so. After all, we will have eternity with our friends who are in Christ. But for those who are not in Christ, our friendship is a primary means of extending Christ to them.
