One to One/Two Discipleship: What Should We Do?
by Travis Rymer
At Grace Harbor Church, we encourage each member to be involved in the life of other members. We often say, “If you do these basic things, you will thrive spiritually and relationally at Grace Harbor: be present Sunday morning and Sunday night, go to community group, and meet with someone one-on-one or two.” But where does meeting with someone fit into following Jesus and what should we do once we meet?
Jesus left us with many commands, but one mission - to make disciple-making disciples (Mt. 28:16-10). This is the role of every Christian. Obviously, there are lots of different ways to go about making disciples, but in short, we all need formal and informal discipleship.
I think of formal discipleship as teaching you receive or give in the form of content and usually it comes within structured times. Think Bible intake such as hearing a sermon, reading the Bible, memorizing Scripture, etc… I think of informal as “along the way” (Deut. 6:1-8), “with me” (Mark 3:14), or “life on life.” It tends to be more stage-of-life specific, in home, casual, or example based. (e.g. “Now that I am a parent, what in the world am I suppose to do? How do I honor my parents as they are aging? What does it look like to lead a Bible study?)
Let me be clear, we need both. Yet, the informal is only as good as the formal foundation. Think Gospel first, then apply that Gospel. One to one/two discipleship is aimed at formal discipleship in the context of “life on life.” So we are encouraging each member to be involved in this kind of discipleship outside of your normal family relationships.
Once you have a friend or two to meet with, what should you do? What should we talk about and what should that look like?
The Three C’s
It helps to have some broad categories to check off as you think through what you might talk about or what kind of book you might use. A few good categories to think in are the “Three C’s” from the book, Trellis and the Vine. They are: Content, Character, and Competency. Content is the actual teaching of our faith (Jude 3). Character is growing in the godliness that accompanies the Gospel teaching (Titus 2:10). Competency is the ability to articulate our faith and life by passing it on and defending it (Matthew 28:19; 2 Timothy 1:5; 2:15; Hebrews 5:12; et. al).
Before you begin, perhaps a good idea is to ask one another if there are areas of the Faith where you think you might be deficient. Is there something you’ve only heard discussed, but never really been taught? Are there areas where you doubt? If you or your friend has been a Christian for a long time, maybe the challenge isn’t content but character or competency. Think about what might strengthen one another in one of these areas. These might be good places to start.
Big picture, you could try to always cover “three c’s” each time you meet up. However, if you’re going to meet for a period of time, just let these categories help guide you when it comes to the content of formal discipleship.
The Meetup
You might prefer to let things happen “organically.” If that’s you, and you can make that time productive, go for it. But for others it’s helpful to be intentional so we don’t waste all our time catching up or going down rabbit holes.
With that in mind, set some expectations. At the very beginning, you might be helped to agree to a timeframe. You don’t have to commit to a lifetime discipling relationship. Will we meet for the summer, the semester, or the year? Should we meet weekly or twice a month? Either way, say what you’re doing and then just evaluate at the end. Maybe you want to re-up for another round. Or you might agree to multiply by splitting up and doing it again with someone else.
Let me offer quick word about structure. Some will find it helpful and natural to sit down (e.g. at a coffee shop), eye-to-eye, and others will find it hard. Don’t let that stop you. I do think straight talk is good, but some of the best discipling conversations happen changing the oil, riding a bike, running to the store, etc… This is what one man called “fence post pastoring” - doing the work of discipleship and counsel leaning over the fence post.
Just make sure you are intentional. If you go into a basketball game thinking, “This is going to be a good game AND I am going to push my brother toward godliness,” then you got it! (A practical tip to do this very thing is to quickly pray before meeting, “Father, please help me to do my sister spiritual good in this meeting.”)
Another way to say it is Word, Prayer, and Life. We need the intake of God’s Truth. This can take the form of one-to-one Bible reading, Scripture memory, reading a good theology book, discussing a recent sermon, etc… We need to pray for one another, our church, and for our mission of taking the Gospel to the nations. We need our lives to be in line with the Gospel we believe and share.
A Structure
For those of you who have seen it already or been the recipient of good discipleship, you may not need a blueprint for a meeting. Yet for all of us, it is helpful to have an idea of what to do. This is just one way and I offer it as a pattern. If it is clumsy or burdensome to you, adapt it. If it is helpful, use it.
A simple pattern to meet with is to discuss life, word, and prayer.
Life
If you already know one another well, you simply check in on one another. Ask, “Are you being content?” “How is your family?” “Are you fighting lust this week?” “What has been going on in your life this week/month.” “How are you treating your spouse?” “Are you investing in your kids?” This time should be both accountability and sharing our lives together. The goal here is to know one another’s life well enough to actually be able to speak into it as well as to know what and where we need to grow.
For example, as we talk, it may become evident that you and your spouse are having a rough time lately. This is something for us to pray about. This is also something for me to ask you about next time we meet. And this is something for us to intentionally think about from the Word. Maybe we decide to read a good book on our speech like, “War of Words,” by Paul Tripp. Or maybe we open to James 3 and 4 and seek to apply the word. Hopefully you see how this category of “life” fills in some of the other two categories of “word and prayer”?
Word
Read the Scriptures together. A very simple pattern is to read last week’s sermon passage and next week’s sermon text. For last week’s passage share something that stood out to you, challenged you, or that you learned about God from the passage and sermon. For next week’s text, ask questions of the passage and try to answer them. This will both remind you of the word last week and prepare you for this coming week’s sermon.
If you’re reading a book together, take time sharing different points that help or challenged you. If you don’t feel adequate to disciple someone else, let the book be the discipler of you both. Talk about what help you, what challenged you, what confused you.
Since Scripture memory is so beneficial (not to mention exhorted in Psalm 119:11), why not add Scripture memory to the equation. Take one key verse from one passage and commit it to memory. You can say it aloud to one another when you meet or just challenge each other to do it over the next week. Then when you meet again, say it to one another. If you haven’t memorized it, do it right then.
Prayer
Put simply, pray. Pray for one another based on the “life” discussion you had earlier and the themes of the Word you discussed in your time in the word. For example, for Titus 2:6 you would pray that _____ would be self-controlled in all she does this week. Then expand this to the church membership list. Take a small portion of the membership list together and pray the passage for each name you cover. For example you might take the first half of column three. Pray for each name using one or two verses from the Word you read. Then pray for specific people you want to see influenced by the Gospel of God’s grace. This would be your neighborhood, your boss, a specific nation or people group, etc….
This may sound like a lot, but it can be done in thirty minutes if you get to it. It can also be done in depth for longer periods of time. I find that an hour is a good time.
The fact is that each of us are different people with different levels of growth, in different stages of life, and different learning styles. It just means that we all won’t look alike and do things the same way. Let me reiterate, this is simply a tool to help get you going. You don’t have to follow this pattern exactly. The key is that we actually do this. Discipleship is messy. Proverbs 14:4 is a great verse for discipleship. “Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.” So let’s get some manure in our mangers!
Sample Accountability Questions
A lot of people find it really helpful to have a list of accountability questions to ask one another. Here is a list adapted from a couple different sources. Make your own as needed.
Have you been a testimony this week to the greatness of Jesus Christ with both your words actions? (related - who are you currently seeking to share the Gospel with)
Have you been exposed to sexually alluring material or allowed your mind to entertain inappropriate sexual thoughts about another this week?
Have you lacked integrity in your financial dealings or coveted something that does not belong to you? (Have you done anything unethical this week?)
Have you been honoring, understanding and generous in your important relationships this week?
Have you damaged another person by your words, either behind their back or face to face?
Have you given in to an addictive behavior this past week? Explain.
Have you continued to remain angry toward another?
Have you secretly wished for another’s misfortune?
Have you honored your family this week by spending appropriate quality time with them?
Have you lied or told me any half truths today?
Take Galatians 5:16-24 and ask one another accountability questions reflecting the works of the flesh or fruit of the Spirit.
